Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Reasons for journaling

I used to be an avid journaler when I was younger... sometimes I would rather journal than go out with my boyfriend, or work on homework. I would carry my current journal with me to the beach, or the park, or camping, or at a sleep-over. It was like my friend, this little book. It was the friend I would tell my secrets to, and be silly with, without fearing any ridicule or judgment. Well, that is, until my mom read my personal journal and grounded me for life for "going all the way" with my high school boyfriend.... and then my jealous post-high school boyfriend read about the friends I'd made in college, and we argued and fought until I vowed never to put my personal thoughts into my journal anymore. It ceased, at that time, to be my retreat. And thus, I lost myself for a while. Has this ever happened to anyone else? It was almost like being unable to write things down caused me to lose touch with who I was at that time. My creativity stopped flowing. I got sick a lot more. Strange.

After a time, I started to journal again, but not in writing. I started working on art journals instead. Small projects that were only a page or two in size, and where I could be unabashedly creative or lame or silly or ugly or cool.... I found that I had gotten in touch with myself again after years of disconnect. And it was very interesting! I had changed and grown quite a bit... though I hadn't grown UP. (Thank goodness!) In making small pages of art that had no real purpose, I found a freedom that I had never known before! A release from my ego, I guess. I also enjoyed the feeling of completion that so seldom comes to a person like me: the ultimate non-finisher! The only time I ever finished anything was when I was creating it for someone else! What does that say about me? I don't care!

I really don't know where I'm going with this. I've gotten quite good at not finishing things. I just may leave it at that. For now. :-)

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